The Love/Hate Relationship of Love and Masturbation
There is no possible way to deny it. Masturbation is controversial. For decades, centuries even, myths have circulated about the harmfulness of masturbation, including that it will cause blindness; and those that have been brave enough to broach the conversation have been shut down by unwilling crowds. It is of no surprise that masturbation is just as taboo of a topic as it pertains to romantic and sexual relationships. The truth is that many people would prefer to masturbate than to have sex. Thus we need to come to some basic understanding of how masturbation can be healthy for your relationship, some of the reasons we might think it's wrong to masturbate in a relationship, and how we can modify our beliefs and assumptions to be more masturbation friendly. As an aside, in this post I will be using sex to refer to any partnered sexual activity.
To begin with, there are several reasons why it is okay, healthy even, to continue to masturbate even if you are in a relationship. According to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, many couples even practice mutual masturbation together as a primary sex act. Thus, there must be some draw to it. Masturbation can improve your sleep, lower your stress levels, and decrease your pain levels. If you practice masturbating with your partner, it can also increase partner bonding, and give you something new to spice up your sex life. Much of this can apply to solo masturbation as well, as those benefits primarily stem from the release of hormones and chemicals that occur during orgasm. That does not necessarily mean that you have to achieve an orgasm to reap these benefits. Just like partnered intercourse, masturbation is a form of exercise, and exercise has proven to have some of the same benefits of climaxing. Masturbation is also a way to explore your own sexuality and learn what turns you on. The better you know your own body and what turns you on, the better prepared you will be to communicate that with your partner. Masturbation can also give you and your partner another way to experience pleasure should you have sex mismatched sex drives, or if your partner is into something that you’re not. You shouldn’t have to stop experiencing arousal in the way that you want just because you are in a relationship; and you also shouldn’t have to miss out on the benefits masturbation can provide. One of the largest mistakes we seem to make in regards to our sex lives is only relying on your partner for all of your pleasure. Just like how you need assistance in other areas of your life, such as a babysitter to watch your kids or a tutor to help you pass your math class, you shouldn’t have to rely solely on your sexual partner to fulfill those needs. Doing so puts a lot of extra strain on your relationship which may actually drive you apart. Thus it is actually healthy to continue masturbating in your relationships, as it can help keep that balance and monitor your expectations.
As it turns out, a lot of people are just uncomfortable with the idea of masturbation in general, so it definitely makes sense as to why it might be a touchy topic in relationships. It has to do with sexual behavior, which is something we experience in private. Even when you are sexually active with someone, it can feel odd, or even wrong to discuss what you experience sexually when you’re not around them. There are also a lot of negative religious connotations with masturbation, discouraging the practice as we grow up and start developing as sexual beings. If your parents ever walked in on you masturbating, or gave you messages while growing up that it is dirty, wrong, or at the very least something that has to be kept private, it makes since that you might have retained some of that shame and embarrassment and that you now carry it with you, affecting your interactions with your sexual partners. In, fact, the organization Good Therapy touched on this idea as well in an answer to a reader's inquiry. This reader reported intense shame that may, in fact, cloud his entire day, after pleasuring himself. The two things that can really be taken away from the response that Darren Haber, a psychotherapist on the site, gave to his inquiry is that masturbation is a normal practice, and the shame and guilt associated with the act is unfortunately just as normal.
Likewise, some people might not choose to continue pleasuring themselves in their romantic and sexual relationships because they feel like they're cheating on their partner. With themselves. This misconception comes from that very same place of sex negativity that was drilled into our heads as we were developing our sexual natures. Everyone has different definitions of cheating and what it includes. Some people consider it cheating to please themselves sexually, and some consider it cheating to have penetrative intercourse with another individual without the other’s consent, while hand holding may still acceptable. The thing is, both sex and masturbation are difficult to talk about based on the shame and embarrassment we feel towards both, thus it is going to be even more difficult for us to set realistic boundaries and define what cheating means for us individually. As a couple, it is not possible to determine for sure what constitutes as cheating without having those conversations.
There are, however, some people that prefer masturbation over partnered activities, which I found several examples of in a blog titled Good In Bed. This blog topic was very heteronormative and cisnormative. It focused only on straight relationships, where the male partner in the relationship sought masturbation rather than sex, and how often times the female partner felt unsatisfied and left out based on their partner's preference. The most common reasons that were provided by the men that preferred masturbation were that they considered masturbation easier than sex, and that they didn’t have to worry about possible rejection from their female partners. The opposing argument was presented by sexually frustrated women that were partners to men that preferred masturbation. They called their partner's preference for masturbation lazy and claimed that they practically had to beg their partners for sex. What these opposing viewpoints told me is that, yet again, couples need to communicate more about their preferences. If these men are afraid of being rejected, while their partners are actually quite enthusiastic about maintaining their sex lives, then clearly there is some miscommunication occurring. As explained above though, these necessary conversations are deterred by the fear, shame, and stigma around sexuality.
There are many ways that we can decrease the shame we feel with talking about sexuality and communicating our preferences. The first way that I would recommend would be creating a Want Will Won't list. A Want Will Won’t list is essentially a way to organize whatever ideas you might have about things you want to do, things your willing to try, and the things you absolutely won’t do. This can be applied to your sex life by listing out the sex acts you prefer, versus the one’s you would be willing to try if your partner wanted to give it a shot, as well as listing out your hard no’s. It is also a natural way to bring up the topic of masturbation, and whether or not you want it to be a part of your relationship. The best part of this tool is that you and your partner can both complete your own lists separately and then compare them together, rather than both hovering over the same piece of paper. Completing your lists separately allows for you to have time to think, as well as structuring a format to compose your thoughts. Creating a Want Will Won’t list with your partner is basically just writing a script for your conversation. If talking about sex is really difficult for you, then having a format to follow, as well as already having thought out what you want to say can make those conversations a little bit easier. Want Will Won’t lists can also be used for other aspects of your relationship as well, such as a trip that you might be planning, or for a list of date ideas.
Should you and your partner agree during this conversation that you want masturbation, either partnered or solo, to be a part of your lives, it may be a good idea to schedule it. It can be difficult to implement something in your lives after you talk about it, especially if the initial conversation you had about it was so uncomfortable. Thus it can prove helpful to plan out when you will begin to use masturbation to help enhance your sex lives during that initial conversation. Having a regular routine to follow of when you will normally be masturbating can also help balance some misplaced expectations. That way, for instance, if you are wanting some time to yourself one night, your partner is aware of that ahead of time, and isn’t expecting to have some sort of partnered sexual encounter. Likewise, having a schedule to follow can help if you still feel a little uncomfortable with the idea of your partner masturbating. It gives you the ability to prepare yourself so that you are better equipped to deal with some of the hurt and jealousy that may arise. Changing your implicit biases is hard work, and cannot just be done just on a whim.
My last piece of advice can be done whether you have a partner or not. Keep a sex journal. The first step to modifying your mindset is knowing what it is you want to change in the first place. Keeping a catalog of your thoughts and feelings around sex and masturbation is an accountable way to keep track of your thought patterns. A sex journal can also help keep track of your progress as you make these changes in your life, and it gives you something to look back on, months and years in the future, to see just how far you came.
In the end, what we all want is to have healthy sex lives, and masturbation can be utilized to add balance to your sex life. It comes with many health benefits, and can help fill the void in our sex lives that our sexual partners are not able to fill for us. We can include masturbation with or without our partners, and some people even prefer it to partnered activity. What it really boils down to is that we all have our own preferences, and so long as we communicate those effectively, masturbation can be used as a tool to enhance our sex lives.
To begin with, there are several reasons why it is okay, healthy even, to continue to masturbate even if you are in a relationship. According to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, many couples even practice mutual masturbation together as a primary sex act. Thus, there must be some draw to it. Masturbation can improve your sleep, lower your stress levels, and decrease your pain levels. If you practice masturbating with your partner, it can also increase partner bonding, and give you something new to spice up your sex life. Much of this can apply to solo masturbation as well, as those benefits primarily stem from the release of hormones and chemicals that occur during orgasm. That does not necessarily mean that you have to achieve an orgasm to reap these benefits. Just like partnered intercourse, masturbation is a form of exercise, and exercise has proven to have some of the same benefits of climaxing. Masturbation is also a way to explore your own sexuality and learn what turns you on. The better you know your own body and what turns you on, the better prepared you will be to communicate that with your partner. Masturbation can also give you and your partner another way to experience pleasure should you have sex mismatched sex drives, or if your partner is into something that you’re not. You shouldn’t have to stop experiencing arousal in the way that you want just because you are in a relationship; and you also shouldn’t have to miss out on the benefits masturbation can provide. One of the largest mistakes we seem to make in regards to our sex lives is only relying on your partner for all of your pleasure. Just like how you need assistance in other areas of your life, such as a babysitter to watch your kids or a tutor to help you pass your math class, you shouldn’t have to rely solely on your sexual partner to fulfill those needs. Doing so puts a lot of extra strain on your relationship which may actually drive you apart. Thus it is actually healthy to continue masturbating in your relationships, as it can help keep that balance and monitor your expectations.
As it turns out, a lot of people are just uncomfortable with the idea of masturbation in general, so it definitely makes sense as to why it might be a touchy topic in relationships. It has to do with sexual behavior, which is something we experience in private. Even when you are sexually active with someone, it can feel odd, or even wrong to discuss what you experience sexually when you’re not around them. There are also a lot of negative religious connotations with masturbation, discouraging the practice as we grow up and start developing as sexual beings. If your parents ever walked in on you masturbating, or gave you messages while growing up that it is dirty, wrong, or at the very least something that has to be kept private, it makes since that you might have retained some of that shame and embarrassment and that you now carry it with you, affecting your interactions with your sexual partners. In, fact, the organization Good Therapy touched on this idea as well in an answer to a reader's inquiry. This reader reported intense shame that may, in fact, cloud his entire day, after pleasuring himself. The two things that can really be taken away from the response that Darren Haber, a psychotherapist on the site, gave to his inquiry is that masturbation is a normal practice, and the shame and guilt associated with the act is unfortunately just as normal.
Likewise, some people might not choose to continue pleasuring themselves in their romantic and sexual relationships because they feel like they're cheating on their partner. With themselves. This misconception comes from that very same place of sex negativity that was drilled into our heads as we were developing our sexual natures. Everyone has different definitions of cheating and what it includes. Some people consider it cheating to please themselves sexually, and some consider it cheating to have penetrative intercourse with another individual without the other’s consent, while hand holding may still acceptable. The thing is, both sex and masturbation are difficult to talk about based on the shame and embarrassment we feel towards both, thus it is going to be even more difficult for us to set realistic boundaries and define what cheating means for us individually. As a couple, it is not possible to determine for sure what constitutes as cheating without having those conversations.
There are, however, some people that prefer masturbation over partnered activities, which I found several examples of in a blog titled Good In Bed. This blog topic was very heteronormative and cisnormative. It focused only on straight relationships, where the male partner in the relationship sought masturbation rather than sex, and how often times the female partner felt unsatisfied and left out based on their partner's preference. The most common reasons that were provided by the men that preferred masturbation were that they considered masturbation easier than sex, and that they didn’t have to worry about possible rejection from their female partners. The opposing argument was presented by sexually frustrated women that were partners to men that preferred masturbation. They called their partner's preference for masturbation lazy and claimed that they practically had to beg their partners for sex. What these opposing viewpoints told me is that, yet again, couples need to communicate more about their preferences. If these men are afraid of being rejected, while their partners are actually quite enthusiastic about maintaining their sex lives, then clearly there is some miscommunication occurring. As explained above though, these necessary conversations are deterred by the fear, shame, and stigma around sexuality.
There are many ways that we can decrease the shame we feel with talking about sexuality and communicating our preferences. The first way that I would recommend would be creating a Want Will Won't list. A Want Will Won’t list is essentially a way to organize whatever ideas you might have about things you want to do, things your willing to try, and the things you absolutely won’t do. This can be applied to your sex life by listing out the sex acts you prefer, versus the one’s you would be willing to try if your partner wanted to give it a shot, as well as listing out your hard no’s. It is also a natural way to bring up the topic of masturbation, and whether or not you want it to be a part of your relationship. The best part of this tool is that you and your partner can both complete your own lists separately and then compare them together, rather than both hovering over the same piece of paper. Completing your lists separately allows for you to have time to think, as well as structuring a format to compose your thoughts. Creating a Want Will Won’t list with your partner is basically just writing a script for your conversation. If talking about sex is really difficult for you, then having a format to follow, as well as already having thought out what you want to say can make those conversations a little bit easier. Want Will Won’t lists can also be used for other aspects of your relationship as well, such as a trip that you might be planning, or for a list of date ideas.
Should you and your partner agree during this conversation that you want masturbation, either partnered or solo, to be a part of your lives, it may be a good idea to schedule it. It can be difficult to implement something in your lives after you talk about it, especially if the initial conversation you had about it was so uncomfortable. Thus it can prove helpful to plan out when you will begin to use masturbation to help enhance your sex lives during that initial conversation. Having a regular routine to follow of when you will normally be masturbating can also help balance some misplaced expectations. That way, for instance, if you are wanting some time to yourself one night, your partner is aware of that ahead of time, and isn’t expecting to have some sort of partnered sexual encounter. Likewise, having a schedule to follow can help if you still feel a little uncomfortable with the idea of your partner masturbating. It gives you the ability to prepare yourself so that you are better equipped to deal with some of the hurt and jealousy that may arise. Changing your implicit biases is hard work, and cannot just be done just on a whim.
My last piece of advice can be done whether you have a partner or not. Keep a sex journal. The first step to modifying your mindset is knowing what it is you want to change in the first place. Keeping a catalog of your thoughts and feelings around sex and masturbation is an accountable way to keep track of your thought patterns. A sex journal can also help keep track of your progress as you make these changes in your life, and it gives you something to look back on, months and years in the future, to see just how far you came.
In the end, what we all want is to have healthy sex lives, and masturbation can be utilized to add balance to your sex life. It comes with many health benefits, and can help fill the void in our sex lives that our sexual partners are not able to fill for us. We can include masturbation with or without our partners, and some people even prefer it to partnered activity. What it really boils down to is that we all have our own preferences, and so long as we communicate those effectively, masturbation can be used as a tool to enhance our sex lives.
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