You Know I Love You ... Right?
I've been thinking a lot recently about this phrase; "You know I love you ... right?" It's a fairly simple phrase, and probably one that most of us who have been in long term committed relationships have said at one point. It's natural every once in a while to look for some reassurance, especially in those fazes of long term relationships when we grow further apart. Thus, from the outside, it looks like it should be a fairly harmless phrase. Would it surprise you to hear, however, that such a phrase may not be as harmless as you think?
Now, there are plenty of articles and blog posts pretending to know when the right time is to say "I Love You" in a relationship, and there are plenty of articles also pretending to know the differences between men and women and how they express their feelings in relationships. One idea though that all of these articles seem to express is that there is a very specific time to say "I love you." One article specifically said that if you say it too early, that you are basically the over-emotional freak that every one tries to avoid, but if you wait too long, that you are in danger of "losing the moment." The theme I think this article is taking on is the difference between infatuation and love. Because love isn't something that fades, thus you're not going to "lose the moment," if you wait to say it. If you're worried about losing that moment, chances are you're not really in love. You're just infatuated, or perhaps in love with the idea of being in love so much so that you think you are. Another article I read briefly touched on this idea. That article emphasized different ways to say I love you that might make the declaration more sincere, stating explicitely that "profound love needs time to grow." (When Should You Say I Love You). Now I can see where that concept stems from; there is obviously a difference between love and infatuation, but I'm not so sure of the difference between profound love and love. And even if there is, that is no reason for you to hold off on saying that you love someone.
So what is the difference between infatuation and love? And what is love? Well, there is a point in most relationships, usually shortly after you first meet, where everything seems magical. When you're first getting to know someone and you think they're perfect and that you've found your match. This is the stage in a relationship where it seems like nothing at all could possibly go wrong. The sky seems to burn brighter and your friends start to comment that you seem to be glowing. You gush about this person to everyone that you meet. This is the stage where it's easy to think you're in love, when in reality, you still don't really know that much about your potential partner. You don't know how often they do the dishes, or wash their bed sheets. You don't know about their collection of Victorian dolls sitting in their closet. All you know about them is what you want to know, and you think you're in love with what you know so far. But I don't think that you can really say you're in love until you see those parts of them that make you question what you feel. So, while I agree that you should wait until you know that you're in love, I am also a strong believer in making those that you care about aware of how you feel about them, because the truth is, you have no idea for how long you will be able to say it.
But how do you even know you're in love, if your mind is so good at convincing you that you are, even when you're not? Well, I think the idea that we can even define what love is, and what that definition might be is a whole different topic in and of itself, for the purposes of this topic here, I will offer at least a stepping stone as to what romantic love might be. I believe that romantic love may be a deep and unabiding appreciation for the amount of joy and life an individual has brought to your life, and the endless quest in order to return the appreciation you feel towards that individual. I also feel that romantic love is linked to an appreciation of your partner's life journey, their heritage, their background and past experiences, and those that are still important in their life as all of those aspects have lead them to where they are at now in which they can share their life with you.
Another idea that most of the articles I read seemed to agree on is that it is best to wait until your partner has said it first. I'm sorry, what did I just say? Because I've read that sentence a few times myself and it just doesn't make any sense. So if it is mutually agreed that your partner should say "I love you" first, then that raises the question again of who should say it first, because under that mindset, you both are going to be waiting on each other for all of eternity. No wonder the 3% that metro.co.uk reported never having told their partners how they feel.
I did mention before that I found some references trying to justify the ways that men and women are different when it comes to expressing their emotions. Now, I do want to express that I have found little in the way about how biologically one sex is more likely to express their feelings of love first. All of the research done so far that I have found links the liklihood of admitting your feelings first to the way we've been gendered in society. Thus, while it is easy to believe that those who were raised in society as women would be the first say I love you, but a recent study has actually found the opposite to be true. This study found that in a survey of 172 college students, those who identified themselves as men reported falling in love sooner than their women partners and expressing those feelings sooner. This study hypothesized that this difference may be because women have also been cautioned against love throughout their own negative experiences and the negative experiences regarding love that influential figures in their lives have undergone, thus they may have felt the need to try to hold back from expressing that level of vulnerability. More research on that theory though is obviously needed. This study also does not examine the patterns of homosexual relationships or of those who identify themselves outside of the gender binary. Thus, while there is quite a lot that this study does not explain, I believe that it can help us come to the realization that everyone falls in love, and expresses it differently.
That understanding of how individual people, rather than significant populations, tend to express their love differently can be further backed up by the research that Gary Chapman has conducted on the five love languages. Chapman is a love and relationship coach who has published several books revolving around how to extend the love in your interpersonal relationships, his most notable of which titled The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. In this book, Chapman analyzes the five types of ways that people most commonly tend to express their love, and the ways they are most likely to recognize signs of love from others. This book was primarily designed for the enhancement of romantic relationships, although he has many other pieces of work explaining how the same principles can be used in other types of interpersonal relationships. The love languages that he identified through this book are quality time, acts of service, receiving gifts, physical touch, and words of affirmation. Quality time refers to the amount of time that you desire to spend with your partner, and how much time you expect them to want to spend with you. Acts of service refers to the small chores that you do for your partner to express your love, whether that's doing the dishes, making the bed, or giving them a massage. Receiving gifts refers to the small things that you gift your partner, for instance when you're out of town, or even just out on a normal day. For instance, it could be as generic as a type of soda they like or a souvenir from a truck stop. For this type of love language, I like to think that it means just as much to the partner giving the gift as it does to the partner receiving the gift, because if you communicate with this style of love, there is a certain rush that you get by gifting your partner something you believe that they will perceive as valuable. Another type of way you may express your love is through the aspect of touch, which refers to how much physical intimacy you desire from your partner. This can range from hand holding and cuddling to sex. And lastly, another very common way that people tend to express their love is through verbal affirmation. This type of communication can include anything from compliments to saying "I love you" itself. As you have probably noticed by now, words of affirmation is primarily what this post is about. There is so much more information about these styles of love that Chapman explores in his book that I just simply could not cover here, so if you are interested, I would very much recommend checking out his book.
The reason I bring up these love languages is because, when you don't communicate the ways you show your love and the ways you expect to receive love from others, it is easy to overlook the ways that our significant others may be trying to show their affection. This can often lead to breakdowns in communication and feeling like your unloved or unappreciated in your relationship. For instance, my partner and I both communicate our love primarily through physical touch. I also value quality time, while he values providing acts of service. We express our feelings for each other by always holding hands out in public, or cuddling while we watch a show, and he will put his phone away while we are interacting in order to show me that he cares about the time he spends with me. Likewise, I make his bed every morning to show him that I care about doing something to make his morning routine a little bit easier. However, while we made all of these strides in order to communicate our appreciation for each other, we did not communicate as effectively the importance of words of affirmation. I very much value little compliments, and I will never leave a conversation without saying "I love you." I noticed that when he would say "I love you too" that it always felt dry, and that he never really initiated it. Furthermore, I was beginning to feel like when I said it, that I was pressuring him into responding in a way that he wasn't ready for. Thus, I called him out on it, because despite all of the ways that I could read into and know just how much he cares for me, I was beginning to doubt that he did just because he couldn't say it. As it turned out, I needed to reexamine what it meant for me to hear those words of affirmation. Could I live without it? Was "I care for you deeply" enough of a substitute to satisfy me? Could I cut back the amount that I said it? He also needed to do some self reflection, and think about what it actually meant to say those words. He knew that he loved me, he just had never thought in the context of expressing it verbally before. Fortunately, we were able to come to a middle ground. He was able to learn how to express some of his desires and his love for me more verbally, and I was able to open my mind as to other verbal forms of "I love you," as well as to pay more attention to the non verbal ways he communicated his affection for me. I know now that I could never live in a "loveless" relationship, as I would feel too much as if I was lying to my partner, as well as to myself. But I can express my love with a more open mind, and watch for other ways in which I might receive it. This conversation, however, would have been a lot easier should it have happened a lot sooner. I should not have let my worries become so pent up that I was no longer sure if he loved me. We both should have communicated our different needs for verbal affirmation much sooner, which is something that I know now for the future.
This is the place that I am coming from as I write this entry for you today. Because I too still catch myself trying to say "You know I love you ... Right?" as if I am trying to find validation for my own need for verbal affirmation. It is as if I am trying to formulate an excuse for him to tell me that he loves me, when he shouldn't need an excuse for that. Whenever I say that sentence, it comes from a place of self doubt, and as soon as the words come out of my mouth, I wish that I could reel them back in. Thus, when I feel the need to say that sentence, I instead need to pause and reflect. Because I know that he knows I love him, because I make his dinner, make his bed, and I let him sleep in his own bed a couple of nights a week. And I don't need to try to guilt him into saying that he loves me because he doesn't play on his phone when we're spending time together, and he rubs my neck after a long day. And if I actually take that time to reflect on the ways love is so prevalent in our relationship, I realize that any sentence that leaves a sour taste in my mouth is really just a breeding ground for negativity and has no place in our relationship.
Based on the trends that I have observed in pop culture, and throughout my study of romantic relationships, I have noticed how important words of affirmation are to other people as well, and how that sentence is tossed around like coercion disguised as a romantic gesture. Thus, I would caution anyone that feels like they need to defend their reasons for needing to hear how much they mean to their partner to take time for some self reflection. And I also encourage anyone, should they feel the need to try to trick or persuade their partner into expressing their appreciation for their relationship verbally, to reflect on why you feel the need to try to coerce your partner into something that may not come naturally for them, and to have a conversation with your partner on ways that all individuals involved could improve their satisfaction of their relationship. If we all just talked to each other, without trying to invisibly cast blame and guilt our partners into a different expression of the love they are likely already trying to express, then I think that we could all have happier and healthier relationships.
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