My Thoughts On The Best And Most Beautiful Things

I recently watched a documentary titled The Best and Most Beautiful Things.  The Best and Most Beautiful Things follows a young woman as she embraces her early 20s, while legally blind and living with asperger’s syndrome.  The 20s prove for most as a time of exploration and self discovery, and Michelle’s story is no different. It sheds understanding and light to every aspect of her life, from her schooling, to her hobbies.  It successfully demystifies what life can look like for those living with asperger’s, from their sensitivities to the way they are able to interact with the world at large. I had a lot of thoughts about this documentary, especially regarding how, what most people would consider to be disabilities, actually encouraged her development as a young woman to blossom. Warning, this analysis is going to be dense. As I said, I had a lot of thoughts, and I didn't exactly hold any of them back. So, if you somehow manage to make it to the end, I have a question for you. What was your first experience living alone like? My answer is a little too dense to include right here, but I will leave my response in the comments. Feel free to leave yours there too.

To begin with, asperger's shows itself differently in just about every person affected with it.  For Michelle, it mainly shows its face in the form of obsession and frustration. She obsesses over everything, from her doll collection to getting ready in the morning.  For her, everything has to be perfect, and she gets frustrated easily if it is not. She also has a harder time communicating with the world around her, and not just because of her lack of vision.  She struggles to pick up on even the most subtle of social cues. My brother, who has also been diagnosed with asperger’s is much the same way. For him, asperger’s dictates what he eats, how he spends his free time, and who he hangs out with.  He has issues with certain textures, and usually only eats pizza, bagels with honey, hot dogs, mac ‘n cheese (sometimes with pieces of chopped up hot dog), and sandwiches (only if the crusts are cut off). He, too, struggles with picking up on social cues, and easily becomes frustrated.  He is not as obsessive as Michelle, though he definitely has his own obsessions, usually revolving around Minecraft, and his stuffed character from the game that he calls TNT. When I look at him, it’s easy to recall how some of the smartest minds of this time have been theorized to have been living with asperger’s.  Of course, we have not always had the rigorous testing process that we have now, but we can hypothesize based on some of their key attributes and personality traits, along with what we know now about the autistic spectrum, the likeliness that they lived with the syndrome. Michelangelo. Robin Williams. Abraham Lincoln.  The thing is, all of these people did not let asperger’s define them. They embraced it as an essential part of their personality that, in the long run, helped them grow to their full potential. And that’s what I hope for Michelle, and for my brother. They both have so much potential, and I hope that they learn to embrace that.

All of that is what makes asperger’s so hard to diagnose.  The symptoms it presents in the lives of everyone it affects can vary greatly.  First of all, it can be difficult to distinguish Asperger’s from other types of autism.  In some cases, I have even seen Asperger’s and high functioning autism used interchangeably.  And, for Michelle, it was somewhat difficult to distinguish what symptoms of hers were due to her blindness or asperger’s.

On that note, Michelle has always been very childish.  Part of that is due to asperger’s and how it affects her social maturity.  A lot of it, however, has to do with how she just has not been socialized like most people her age.  Her whole life, she has either been the outcast, or hidden away in her own little, safe bubble that has sheltered her from the outside world.  Don’t get me wrong, getting to be around people like you is a very important part of emotional development; she was able to be accepted at Perkins School For the Blind and was able to learn in an environment that was most conducive to how she needed to learn and that offered her the educational support that she needed.  Perkins also protected her from the bullying that she was subject to in public school, and while that has proved invaluable to her emotional maturity, she still missed out on a lot of important developmental opportunities from not continuing her education at a public school. For instance, she has expressed a desire to go out into the world and take it on, but she has no idea how to do that.  She was not taught her resources and how to conquer the world as a young adult, which most young adults get to learn in public school.

Michelle has also been babied all of her life.  Everything has always been laid out for her. Her mom still makes her dinner, sets out her medicine for her, helps her find something she has misplaced when she has become too overwhelmed to be able to problem solve for herself.  She does need this type of support. There are just some things she cannot do on her own, both due to asperger’s and her lack of sight. However, she has not been prepared for a time when her mom might not be there to tie her shoes and make her dinner.  She even chose to ignore her mother’s faults just so she could still live at home. This aspect has greatly contributed to her childish tendencies.

Thus, when Michelle received her first big break through, she actually considered not taking it, just because it meant moving away from home and finally being out on her own, which is something that, in a way, she has always wanted, but has never known how to achieve.  Yet, because of asperger’s and her inability to connect with social constructs, she blew up the offer into something way bigger than it actually was, in no doubt making it so much more difficult to choose. She also only set herself up for disappointment. The offer she received was for an internship with a voice actor in LA.  She took that to mean that she was going to move to LA and become a voice actor, make a lot of money, and that everything was going to be very easy for her. Now, life never works out that easily for most people, but with the disabilities that Michelle lives with, it has been hard enough for her to get a job anyways. Theoretically, it would be much more difficult for her to get a creative job in a big city, separated from her support system.  When you think about it, that is something that a lot of people struggle with daily anyways. Granted, she had no control over how she blew up the offer she had received. She had nothing to go off of. She had never been to LA; she had barely even had a real job. She has a very limited visual perception of the world, thus everything she’s ever imagined about becoming a star in LA are from the success stories that circulate around the internet.  She also cannot fully grasp the intent and meaning behind some forms of language and the social cues that are affiliated with them. Thus, “You received an internship for a voice actor in LA” sounds to her like “you received an offer to go to LA and become a voice actor. You’ll have board and food, and everything will be very easy for you because you will be making a lot of money and everyone will accept you.” Most unfortunately for her, her internship was reduced to just a week visit and delayed for six months.  I cannot even imagine how devastating that must have been for her.

Missing out on that opportunity to move to LA turned out to have its upsides.  It was like that old adage, when one door closes, another door opens. It gave her the chance to meet her first boyfriend and enter her first romantic and sexual relationship.  Being in that loving and open relationship really gave her a chance to grow, in a way that she’d been desiring for quite some time, but really lacked the support to explore. She began to explore the kink community, as more than just words on a computer screen.  She began to speak up about issues she felt strongly about, proving as a valuable advocate for both the kink and LGBTQ+ world. She also just really began to expand her horizons. Asperger’s was no longer a death sentence; it was a gift. She discovered that she could be so much more than a disease, than a diagnosis on the top of a piece of paper.  She started to learn to see beyond the black and white. She knew where she still needed help, and where she could just be herself.

While Michelle still went to LA for that week long trip, when she was out there, she realized that what she thought was a well thought out plan to move out there at the end of the summer was not as fool proof as she initially thought.  She realized that that the transportation in LA was not something that she could easily navigate on her own. Furthermore, she realized that she didn’t want to live out there alone. That notion easily could have been influenced by being in a relationship that she didn’t want to leave behind, but she also realized on that trip that her desires had changed.  While she did still want to pursue voice acting at some point in her life, she realized that it was not something she wanted to do right away. She already had everything that she had initially desired in her life, and she wanted to have a little bit more time to enjoy that. She was in a happy relationship, she was an active member of the kink community, and she was learning how to use her own voice to speak out for the greater good.  I do feel that if moving to LA and pursuing her lifelong dream of voice acting was still something that she really wanted to do, she would’ve found a way to do it, no matter how difficult, but I think it just proves how much she’s grown and matured to be able to make the decision to, at least temporarily, put that dream behind her.

On that note, being an active part of the BDSM world, as well as in a healthy romantic relationship, kind of made her resent living with her mom.  When she really started to explore the world of BDSM, really the only safe place she had to play was in her own home, and as she started acquiring more and more kink paraphernalia, she became more uncomfortable with living at home.  She began to worry about her mom finding a flogger in her closet, or restraints under her bed. I am sure that at least partially encouraged her desire to move out. She was herself now, and she really just wanted a place where she could be her true and unique self without feeling the pressure of others to conform.  Being in a relationship also likely encouraged her desire to move away from home. In my experience at least, I know I have desired greatly to move in with whomever I was romantically involved with at the time, and not only for a more private place to have sex. When you are that close to someone else, I think it is only natural to want to spend more time with them, and to get to see them in every setting, which you don’t really get to see when you live apart.  Thus, I think that being in this relationship was one of the best things to happen in her life. It taught her independence and encouraged her to seek it. It helped her discover her own inner strength and provided her with a way to use her voice for something she is passionate about. It also provided her with an outlet to explore the BDSM community, which she was already interesting in but lacked a way of exploring that interest.

On a similar note, she knew of the societal dilemma of your parents finding out about your sex life, and how it is considered even more taboo for your parents to find out about your kinky sex life, and while she was afraid of her mom finding her sex toys scattered around her room, when the time came to talk about her sex life with her mom, she welcomed it.  This is when her aspergers proved itself most as a gift, rather than a disease. Her inability to pick up on social cues and a lack of understanding as to appropriate conversations in a variety of settings allowed her to talk more candidly about the kink community. She was even able to strike up a conversation with one of her previous instructors from Perkins in regards to the kink community.  While she still understood that sex is supposed to be regarded as taboo, it just didn’t seem to hold as much significance for her, and I wish we were all able to hold that same mindset. Despite her somewhat underdeveloped levels of mental maturity, she is able to have some of the most mature conversations regarding sex that I have ever heard.

I suppose that her blindness also showed itself as an asset in this regard.  I wonder how much easier it is for her to have these types of conversations while not having to worry about the look on people’s faces.  I know that in my experience with talking about sex, even with all of my background and experience, I still worry sometimes about how people will react.  I can’t help but wonder how much easier it would be if I didn’t have to look everyone that I talk to in the eye, or if that would actually prove itself to be more challenging.

I believe that there are also several aspects of her life and her experience that influenced her ability to enjoy BDSM, and those are her blindness, her asperger’s, and the way she was coddled all of her life.  We’ll start with the latter. I already explored how the way she has been babied into her 20s may have been holding her back, and the ways it may have proven detrimental to her development. I can also see, however, how it may have influenced the development of her sexuality.  Michelle identifies herself as a little, which means she enjoys wearing diapers, dressing as a kid, acting like a kid, talking like a kid, and overall expressing herself in childish ways. Her and her partner share a bond that can be similar to that of a daddy/daughter relationship, but one that can be turned off whenever they feel like it.  Given that all she knew while developing into a sexual being was being treated as a kid, it only makes sense that that would have become entangled with her developing sexual expression, and the way she still enjoys to be coddled. Michelle has also expressed, however, that she does not appreciate unwarranted coddling, which she calls Non-Consensual Age Play.  She describes Non-Consensual Age Play as when someone comes up to her on the street and uses her lack of vision as a reason to invalidate her ability to take care of herself. She enjoys being treated like a little kid, but only by those that respect her as an adult. She “doesn’t give up power to those that think she doesn’t deserve power.” (01:08:50).

Another aspect of her identity that I believe also impacted her growth as a sexual being was asperger’s.  Often, asperger’s is associated with an aversion to touch. That was never really a problem for Michelle, though, as her lack of sight made touch an imperative tool to navigate her surroundings.  I still think, though, that a sensitivity to touch may have come into play with the way she enjoys to be sexually stimulated. BDSM relies very heavily on physical stimuli as a way to bond you and your partner, from restraints to floggers.  She even commented on how she enjoys the way that BDSM allows you to give up your free will to someone that you really trust and say “you are now in control of me.” (55:49). She has described being involved with kink activity as an adventure, and one that is very near and dear to her and her partner’s relationship.  For her, BDSM isn’t just an activity to spruce up her sex life, it’s also a lifestyle. Asperger’s often heightens other senses as well, which is why she did not want to go to her brother’s basketball game. She did not want to “sit on a hard bench for two hours listening to [all the offending noises around her with no input whatsoever], while everyone around you is having fun and you just feel kind of left out and slightly uncomfortable, and you feel like you’re supposed to feel supportive, but you’re not.” (49:36).  With her other senses heightened, though, it would make her much more likely to enjoy the types of intense stimulation experienced in BDSM.

Similarly, I believe her lack of sight encouraged her enjoyment of BDSM practices.  As she does not have sight, all of her other senses are heightened, even more so than they already were due to asperger’s.  Being more sensitive to the types of stimulation experienced in BDSM may increase the physical, emotional, and mental connection between her and her partner that BDSM activities have to offer.

In the end, or maybe it was the beginning, Michelle began to speak publicly about LGBTQ+ awareness and kink life, spreading around her message of “Unlearning Normal.”  She entered into a search for employment and found an apartment where she’s now living in independently, which is perhaps my favorite part of her story. She didn’t move in with her boyfriend, in fact there was no mention of him during her quest for independence.  Frankly, it is unclear whether or not they are still together, although I would assume such. But that is not what is important here. What is important is that she did not rely on anyone else to support her, even though that would have been the easy option. I know how difficult living alone can be; even with my status as an able bodied woman, I do not think that I would have been able to pull it off without first living with someone else who has had a little bit more experience with being an adult.  So, for me, the fact that she embraced the opportunity with such willingness and courage is truly remarkable. And I don’t care whether or not she is still with her boyfriend, because if she is, I am sure that he is a tremendous source of support in her life, and if she is not, his influence in her life helped her get to where she is at today. She can cross the street now without someone there to hold her hand, because she’s “at this point in her life where I’m not the only one. I’m not the only one who loses their keys, frantically looking for them, probably way overreacting.  I know I am not the only one.” (1:26:35).

This is the story of Michelle; a legally blind, pansexual woman in her early 20s who is an active member of the kink community, and who uses her weaknesses as her greatest strengths.  She is strong, and courageous, and I feel that there is so much that we could all learn from her, not the other way around. She is truly the embodiment of the Best and Most Beautiful Things.

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Major thanks to those that worked to put the Best and Most Beautiful Things together.  Follow the link below to find out more about this documentary.
http://www.bestandmostbeautifulthings.com/